Do you have to be perfect?
Maybe you like the idea of being easier, kinder, and more accepting of yourself. But, you struggle to believe it. The pressure of being perfect is draining. Wanting to be perfect comes from an optimistic place. If we are perfect, then we will never have to suffer, never have to struggle. We may imagine that hard emotions will not exist.
But, we never seem to reach perfection, do we?
If we have one perfect moment, it always shifts. And we may be ashamed and disappointed that we can’t maintain perfection. Perfection is not real. Reaching “perfect” will always be a moving target. It is exhausting always judging ourselves for imperfection. But, we can change this tiring ride.
In therapy, we work with clients on challenging perfectionism. We use a behavioral approach to breaking apart the habits of perfectionism. The road to change takes practice and effort. Sometimes, if it doesn’t come naturally it can feel impossible for us. But, that feeling is the growing pain - present because we are changing.
In treatment, we will develop gentler self-talk. The way we think about and judge ourselves, feels cemented into our minds. But, this too has been learned over time. We can change. Often, we will have our clients try to speak to themselves as though they are speaking to a small child. We can learn to hold our emotions, and still speak gently.
Our actions also feed into perfectionism, trapping us in shame and frustration. Challenging our actions is an important part of letting go of perfectionism. One method I like is called “Doing a Medium Job”. Rather than doing a perfect job, we practice doing a medium job.
For instance, the perfectionist voice may say “you must clean the whole house”. And you notice you feel tired, then it’s a chance to challenge that standard. Practice “Doing a Medium Job” by cleaning one room, or just straightening out a couple of items.
Slowly, small changes like this build up. Perfectionism can feel easier to identify, and easier to challenge. By practicing these skills, we can loosen the strength of perfectionism.
Over time, our relationship with perfection changes. Rather than a necessary standard, it becomes a poorly-designed trap. We can spot it, and resist the lure. Instead, allowing ourselves grace and acceptance. We can still grow, work, and improve ourselves - but with a greater acceptance of our humanity.
Change can be hard, but the work is worthwhile. If you are interested in finding that peace, come and reach out.